Scientists Warn of Steinbrenner Monument's Effects on the Earth's Orbit

By Matthew Callan on September 21, 2010 9:36 AM | 0 Comments

NEW YORK--Scientists cautioned that the new monument dedicated to George Steinbrenner, unveiled at Yankee Stadium Monday night, may have negative effects on several of the Earth's astronomical functions. Despite warnings from the scientific community at large, the UN, and several prominent clergymen, construction of the monument--which used 92 percent of the earth's available deposits of granite--continued unabated for the past year.

"It will definitely influence the earth's gravitational pull," said Dr. Henrik Lundegaard, professor of geophysics at Princeton University. "It will probably also have some consequences for the planet's revolution around the sun." Lundegaard estimated that, due the monument's colossal size, "the calendar year will probably lengthen a full day by the year 2031, and exponentially more each year thereafter, which will have untold consequences for life as we know it."

The Yankees were unfazed by such revelations. "I think it's a fitting tribute to The Boss," said shortstop Derek Jeter. "All he wanted to do was win, and what bigger victory is there than beating the tilt of the Earth's axis?"

"We all loved Mr. Steinbrenner," said pitcher Andy Pettite, "and I think it's only appropriate that his monument should have its own climate." This separate ecosystem, reportedly a temperate zone, may explain the appearance of several tornadoes on the Grand Concourse within the last week.

A spokesman for the Yankees confirmed that the team will unveil a monument to the Steinbrenner monument during the 2012 season. "It will take that long for us to locate and mold an appropriate amount of adamantium," the spokesman said.